The annual Krew/Wednesday Night Hockey Picnic is scheduled for June 7, 2008 at Lilac Grove in North Park from noon-midnight. Gene will be getting the burgers&dogs, and I will once again put a keg of Labatt Blue on tap,…If you can bring a side dish, please do so,..my wife will make her famous broccoli salad,… We will take a collection for the beer,..bring anyone you wish,
Also, we will need POWER. The grove does not have power hookups, so anyone with a generator please bring it, I will start an e-mail chain for other items,..(horseshoes, games etc,..)
The Penguins, displaying the most effective system of backchecking in recent memory, literally backchecked the hated Filth-a-Delphia Flyers into submission yesterday to advance the freakin-Stanley-Cup-freakin-FINALS!!!….THE FINALS BABY!!! There was so much to love about that game, the discipline, the previously mentioned backchecking, the skill level across all four lines, the SHUTOUT,.. but the best part was that it was the scumbag FLYERS,…god! How I hate the Flyers!!!
The only disappointment was Dr. Beer rooting for Timmonen to take a stick in the face and watch the Flyer medical staff to try and stop the bleeding,…Nice idea MORON, risk your life and your families well-being just so you can be on the ice while you and your scumbag teammates get blown out,….I hope he cuts his finger taking his skates out of the bag and has to get a transfusion,…idiot!
We are already making arrangements to insure a working Television at the hockey Picnic should a cup game be scheduled for that night,….LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS, LETSGOPENS,…..
The Krew was defeated 7-3 in a devastating loss delivered by the Angry Beavers at Bladerunners Ice Complex in Warrendale, this past Thursday night. Team General Manager and accomplished blog contributer, Mike “Dr. Beer” Velette stated during the press conference after the game:
“I’m not sure what got into these guys. All season long they played like a bunch of ‘Happy Beavers’ but then tonight, they came out angry. They came out real angry… I mean, have you ever had to deal with an angry beaver one on one?”
Velette then had to be escorted out of the conference room by armed security guards after challenging an investigative reporter to a cage fight with an angry beaver. Velette shouted on his way to the team bus, “I bet you’ve never fought a beaver in your life, let alone an ANGRY beaver you hack!”
In related news, team Captain and fearless leader Alex Kumnik said “we need to work on our passing… especially me & my brother. Next season we’re going to try and play more like a team and not skate through every body by ourselves, especially when Mertz & DeWeese are screaming for passes & sitting wide open in front.”
George Metelsky, team henchmen, and reputed bad boy, stated he’d be working out more often in the off-season. Metelsky also mumbled something about “Shaquille O’ FREAKING Neal himself won’t be able to move me out from in front of that net next season.”
Good thing for George, Shaq probably can’t skate to save his life so we may not ever get to see this theory get put to the test.
For more Krew Hockey musings, ramblings, & non-sensical fiction, be sure to stop back regularly & sign up for your free forum account if you haven’t already.
If you’re reading this chances are you were there. The Krew came. The Puck Monkeys came (kinda). The Krew won. The Krew left.
The refs must have been new because they only gave us a fair amount of penalties. For once, they didn’t swing the outcome of the game due to bad calls. Perhaps this we’re on the horizon of a new frontier?
Or maybe the regular refs were just on vaca, only time will tell.
Nothing else really of note here. Al had a big performance as usual and Greg showed signs of following in his brother’s foot steps with a nice coast to coast run through the whole team topped off with some rubber puck on lacey net action! That’s hot!
I guess the only other thing really worth mentioning is to keep your eyes on that squirrelly kid in the pro shop, he may be “anti-Krew.” He totally jacked up one of my skates about 20 minutes before the game and causing me to flop around the ice like a fish out of water.
Perhaps it was REALLY just a bad wheel on the skate sharpening machine like he said it was. OR, perhaps he is rooting for our demise. Regardless, he’s on the watch list.
They say during the Stanley Cup playoffs they stakes go up,..
Dr. Beer, Major Bullfrog, and Captain Ass-for-Brains proved that the simple gamble on the Pens next goal takes on larger proportions during the quest for Lord Stanley,..
One quick text-message exchange and Dr Beer had Gonchar, Major Bullfrog chose Malkin and Capt. A-4-B called for Hossa,…HOSSA?? Hossa?? He missed so many chances,…
Call it luck or acute hockey sense, the Captain called it and Hossa delivered,..and Dr. Beer and Major Bullfrog will each be delivering a case of Labatt Blue to the Captain,..
Pissed that he forgot his sunglasses, Tommy Holland once flew into space and punched the Sun,..the resulting solar flare caused the east coast blackout in 1992.
***********
Tommy Holland Once Impregnated a Grizzly Bear, it only took two tranquilizer darts,…. and those were for Tommy cause he’s not that into “hairy chicks”
************
The offspring of the Holland/Grizzly union is comedien Sandra Berhnard.
************
Tommy Holland gives off so much testoserone into the air around him, that being in close proximity to him can cause strange medical side effects,..like when holding his 5 year old neices, they start to grow facial hair,…….
************
Tommy Holland once head-butted the Pope.
************
Tommy Holland doesn’t need to blink,…he only does it to put other people at ease,….
************
Tommy Holland once bit the head off of Ozzy Osbourne,….
The beer surgeon general ( that being Dr. Beer who likes to operate with a beer in one hand) has issued the following warning regarding of the Testosterone laced liquid from Tommy Hollands water bottle.
Warning:
The Surgeon General has determined that consuming hyper-testosterone water (known as Tommy-Water) can result in the following side effects:
Waking up half naked in the zoo with antelope blood in your hair.
Ability to walk through walls.
Escalator Rage!
Inserting the “C” word in everyday conversations,…and nighttime prayers with the kids.
Uncontrollable urge to drink White Russians,..(even the surgeon general is baffled by this one.)
Four hour erections during VS. double header playoff hockey broadcasts.
If you experience any of these symptoms.. head to your nearest hockey rink and lace-em-up! “IT’S GO TIME!!”
Tommy Holland is an animal. He’s more than an animal, he’s a machine. A few days ago after a late night Krew game Tommy made the mistake of leaving his beloved and widely-recognized water bottle on the bench.
I figured I’d do Tommy the favor of safekeeping it for him until the next Krew game. I decided to take a taste for myself after the game on my way home. Bad idea. I couldn’t sleep for over 72 hours and I had a constant non-stop erection everytime a hockey-related thought crossed my mind.
I’m not sure how he did it, but I suspect Tommy Holland has been drinking liquid testosterone cleverly disguised as water right beneath our noses all along.
I snapped a few photos of the Tommy’s closely guarded water bottle and a few seconds afterwards my digital camera burst into flames. Hopefully my computer and the Krew website don’t self-destruct after the photos of this magical water bottle are uploaded to the site.
Without further adieu, low & behold the infamous “Tommy Holland Water Bottle” complete with liquid testosterone inside:
P.S. - as a Krew fundraiser I’ll be selling shot sized glasses of the remaining “liquid testosterone” for $795 per serving. You’ll only need two servings to preserve everlasting youth & manliness for the rest of your days. Call or email for details.
P.S.S. - I’ll even have Tommy autograph your bottle himself. This autograph is priceless because until now we could never locate a pen that Tommy could grasp without it evaporating due to his super-human grip. We finally got a pen that could work for Tommy’s autograph session by dipping one in this alien substance contained within Tommy’s water bottle.
About half of the Krew combined forces with a third party team to participate in a recent tourney at Bethel Park. The competition was fierce with ringers from every local college known to man. The hacks were clearly “A” league competition that were sitting flat at a “D” level tournament for one purpose only, to inflate their egos.
Needless to say we gave them everything we had but came up a few yards short in the end. Had one of our all star defensemen made it to the first game, Anthony Lamorte, things could have been different . . .
Where was Anthony for our Friday night game you might be wondering ? ? ? . . . FREAKIN’ BOWLING!!!!
Since when does bowling EVER trump a hockey match?!?!?!
Here’s my reply to Anthony’s bad decision to go to his bowling league when he should have been grinding with his real team mates on the ice:
This game was a total “sister kisser.” No one wants to kiss their own sister, just like no one wants to tie a freakin’ hockey game. After 3 periods of play when the game ends with a tied scored what the heck is the point? Everyone should have just stayed home and saved their energy.
Krew was down most of this game and put out a late effort to tie it up.
The most notable event of the entire evening actually happened hours after the game was over… at Primanti’s… Dr. Beer helped us forget the “sister kisser” as we drowned our sorrows with alcohol.
We’ll be seeing the Puck Monkeys again next week for round one of the playoffs. You ready?
